It's been yet another year since I blogged. I never know what to actually blog about and wonder if anyone will read it if I did, or would they say, "I didn't really need to know about her crafts, meals, etc." So I usually just opt out of it completely.
However, this is the easiest way for me to write more of our story and have it in one place that all who want to read it can just click and see it.
The last post I did about ttc (trying to conceive) we were kind of at a stand still and with frustrations about fertility pills being prescribed for too long we didn't feel like we had much for options. We waited in that space for almost a year I guess. Trying naturally, not succeeding. We finally decided to go back to the fertility clinic and went ahead and did an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). Because I had been on Clomid for 9 months previously I was not able to take that to help increase our chances. So we did it without meds. It didn't work.....
A few months later we came to the decision of trying our final option - IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). I started some hormones and then the self-induced injections, twice daily in the abdomen. (that was really difficult for me and I was very nervous. But I became comfortable with it after a few days). I really had no choice. Over the next couple of weeks I drove into Vancouver for bloodwork and ultrasounds so they could monitor my hormone levels and look at how my uterus was doing and then start measuring my eggs. When the time came Jordan and I both went in and they harvested my eggs and he gave a sample. I only had 5 eggs - however they said they looked good. Three were for sure mature. I found that to be a painful procedure.
I got a call that day and the lab said that 3 eggs took the fertilization. YEAH! We opted for what is called ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection) where they inject the sperm directly into the egg so it doesn't have to work to get in and fertilize. It saves a step and the doctor thought this may be our problem - Fertilization.
We waited. On day 3 we got a call saying they'd like to wait until the, now embryos, were at 5 days growth. On day 5 my mom and I went back downtown and I had the Transfer. It was a very easy procedure and I had no pain. On this date only 2 of the 3 embryos continued growing and they chose the best of the 2 to transfer to my uterus. The lab would call me the next day to tell me how the other was doing. I got the call and unfortunately the final one stopped growing - we had none left to freeze in case this didn't work, or in case we decided to do it again after success. BUMMER.
We waited. There was a lot of waiting. Wondering. Praying. Tears. It was two weeks before we were able to find out if it worked - if I was pregnant. I had the bloodtest scheduled and went with a lot of doubt as my body was telling me I wasn't pregnant and a few home tests were not positive. The bloodtest was Negative - what I felt was true. It didn't work. SO many questions and thoughts flooded my head and heart. "What is wrong with me? What is wrong with my body that I can't get pregnant? Are we trying to cheat God and go above Him with medical science? Doing it on our own? God, what IS your will for our lives and our family?" Then I felt Peace. His peace. Peace that can only come from the Father. I prayed so much for a child. I prayed so much that our family would expand. God listened but then I felt Him quietly say "Be content".
Jordan and I will be celebrating our 9th wedding Anniversary on Wednesday. Of those 9 years of marriage, we have tried to conceive children for 7 years. That's a long time, and it is hard. When the IVF didn't work, our eyes were instantly opened to the MIRACLE child that God has truly already given us. One pregnancy = Makena. She is our JOY (which is her middle name) and He blessed us with her. As tough as it is to swallow the thought, and reality, that we-most-likely-will-not-have-more-kids, we are Happy, Blessed, Content, at Peace with it.
Not my will but your will be done in me God.
So that's our story. We know that SOOOOOO many have been praying along side us for another child and we are so thankful for your faithfulness in doing so. For your support, love, friendship....words cannot express. I know it sounds like we have given up - we haven't completely - Jordan's not going to Dr. P or anything. It's just not our focus. If God decides to say YES, we will be surprised and blown away. Maybe that's what He wants anyways :)
